bluesforlife

It's quite annoying, I don't seem to have changed much in the sense that I keep having something to gripe about. Two years ago it was about having to do National Service (which is completely essential, by the way. Go Singapore! Woooot!), and now it's about missing home.

At this point I'm entirely convinced that happiness is a personal decision. There'll always be something that makes you unhappy otherwise.

For now, I'll just be looking forward. To the next week, and the next week, and the next week... On weekdays, just looking towards the weekends, and on weekends, just bracing myself for whatever the next week has to throw at me. Till June, that is.

So whether the cup's half-full or half-empty, I can't be bothered; I'm not thirsty anyway.

That I haven't been updating in a while.

Right now, my weeks pass by systematically, and each weekly webcomic and chapter of Bleach I read is a milestone.

Of course, the friends you make here you make for life, and it's comfy being here, to the point where I'm not completely depressed about not being home.

But I do want to be home. And I'm afraid I won't meet expectations. God help me, please.

I need the clarity that only Your Love can bring.

That you always like to goad yourself into believing that I don't love you?

Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?

I don't ever wanna put my guitar down.

I'm more or less content, despite being away from those I love, at home. It seems that absence does make the heart grow fonder.

Take my Dad, for example. We're talking loads more now, when initially we'd have nothing to say to each other.

I am content.

Soon, nothing will be right at all
Salvation
Will you find out who you are, too late to change?

If I had known the distance would hurt us so much, I would've never come here in the first place.

Sancta Maria, Ora Pro Nobis

Like I'm not supposed to have fun. Really, I know I should be a good proper friend, and socialise and all. But I don't know where it stops, because while I'm having the time of my life, my family is at home going through SHIT. And I can't make that any better. On the other hand, of what use is it if I just clam up and hide?

The guys probably don't realise this despite me saying it, because my belief in a God is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. If it's all for naught, I'd rather be dead and facing oblivion, because at least you'll be certain that there is an eternal cistern waiting to serve as your resting place when you're done with life, in all it's hellish existence.

Send me an angel, I pray.

I'll be kicking myself forever, for not making the time to go with you to get that haircut.

You never know how much something is worth until you lose it, or come close to doing so. The same rule applies for people, too.

We need strength, because even love will experience latency problems, with the distance of 10,000km to travel. I've found that out the hard way.

I love you, nonetheless.

It's exasperating to look at you, and see how you'd prefer things to be complicated, screwed up, fucked up, just so you have an excuse to be melancholy.

Maybe I'm being a little too harsh.

Are you that addicted to pain, such that you must have it always being present? So that you can appear to be strong in front of others, by holding up a brave front while you "suffer" inside? All this closet-goth bullshit has to stop if you're gonna be content with who you are and what you have. It's really very simple.

But I won't ever get the chance to say this to you, since you won't pay me any heed. I don't hate you, I don't despise you, and I most certainly have outgrown bitching behind your back. I only disagree with how you are purposely messing up your life, just to justify feeling down and depressed.

I might not get the full picture, but that's how you're coming across.

Cheerio!

So begins the 3 week discovery period, the prelude to the wilderness years.

I hope to look back on this day, with no regrets, with joy and awe at how much I will have changed.

See you soon, Singapore, family, friends, and you.

We either complain about why sweet dreams don't last, or why reality is such a bitch by comparison.

Both complaints are one and the same.

I wish you would stay out of my dreams.

It's bad enough knowing there's a certain animosity between us. But I hate being reminded, even when I rest. Even worse is having to dream that it's okay and resolved, and waking up to find out it's all a farce.

So, to grant me some finality (I don't even know why I agonise over you so, it's not like I'm madly in love with you), please grant me some reprieve, and time to get over our dead friendship. Thank you.

I said I wanted to finish up what I intended to do. But it seems I've let go of it, and it's let go of me.

Ah screw it. Look forward, and never ever turn back.

I thought I was ready.

Guess the prospect of dropping everything I've known and held close, even if just for 3 years, only hits you when you're about to go.

I know this is the opportunity of a lifetime. Hell, I've taken it already... I just wish it were easier. You know, Tim, I hope you'll chance upon this entry, because you'll never believe me when I say I'm not looking forward to leaving. Or that I wish it were easier. To tell the truth, lil' bro, I've
taken the easy way out on many occasions, and it's cost me dearly more often than not. When will you learn to grin and bear it?

Again, I know this sounds hypocritical... But I'm gonna go off anyway, and I swear I'll find a way to make this all count.

Just as the George Benson-inspired title should imply, I'm pretty much sailing through life as it is now. 

No worries whatsoever.

So I guess this is what it feels like to slowly let go of everything. Officially now I have less than a month to go before I leave for the UK, and I feel so much at ease... I think this might be the impetus for me to go wrap up my unfinished business. Or then again, since hindsight's such a bitch, I might not.

Or maybe, I should wait a little longer.

Wait, I think I should just forget about it and move on. I probably just sound stupid for entertaining that thought. After so long, too.