bluesforlife

I need the clarity that only Your Love can bring.

That you always like to goad yourself into believing that I don't love you?

Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?

I don't ever wanna put my guitar down.

I'm more or less content, despite being away from those I love, at home. It seems that absence does make the heart grow fonder.

Take my Dad, for example. We're talking loads more now, when initially we'd have nothing to say to each other.

I am content.

Soon, nothing will be right at all
Salvation
Will you find out who you are, too late to change?

If I had known the distance would hurt us so much, I would've never come here in the first place.

Sancta Maria, Ora Pro Nobis

Like I'm not supposed to have fun. Really, I know I should be a good proper friend, and socialise and all. But I don't know where it stops, because while I'm having the time of my life, my family is at home going through SHIT. And I can't make that any better. On the other hand, of what use is it if I just clam up and hide?

The guys probably don't realise this despite me saying it, because my belief in a God is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. If it's all for naught, I'd rather be dead and facing oblivion, because at least you'll be certain that there is an eternal cistern waiting to serve as your resting place when you're done with life, in all it's hellish existence.

Send me an angel, I pray.

I'll be kicking myself forever, for not making the time to go with you to get that haircut.

You never know how much something is worth until you lose it, or come close to doing so. The same rule applies for people, too.

We need strength, because even love will experience latency problems, with the distance of 10,000km to travel. I've found that out the hard way.

I love you, nonetheless.

It's exasperating to look at you, and see how you'd prefer things to be complicated, screwed up, fucked up, just so you have an excuse to be melancholy.

Maybe I'm being a little too harsh.

Are you that addicted to pain, such that you must have it always being present? So that you can appear to be strong in front of others, by holding up a brave front while you "suffer" inside? All this closet-goth bullshit has to stop if you're gonna be content with who you are and what you have. It's really very simple.

But I won't ever get the chance to say this to you, since you won't pay me any heed. I don't hate you, I don't despise you, and I most certainly have outgrown bitching behind your back. I only disagree with how you are purposely messing up your life, just to justify feeling down and depressed.

I might not get the full picture, but that's how you're coming across.

Cheerio!

So begins the 3 week discovery period, the prelude to the wilderness years.

I hope to look back on this day, with no regrets, with joy and awe at how much I will have changed.

See you soon, Singapore, family, friends, and you.

We either complain about why sweet dreams don't last, or why reality is such a bitch by comparison.

Both complaints are one and the same.

I wish you would stay out of my dreams.

It's bad enough knowing there's a certain animosity between us. But I hate being reminded, even when I rest. Even worse is having to dream that it's okay and resolved, and waking up to find out it's all a farce.

So, to grant me some finality (I don't even know why I agonise over you so, it's not like I'm madly in love with you), please grant me some reprieve, and time to get over our dead friendship. Thank you.

I said I wanted to finish up what I intended to do. But it seems I've let go of it, and it's let go of me.

Ah screw it. Look forward, and never ever turn back.

I thought I was ready.

Guess the prospect of dropping everything I've known and held close, even if just for 3 years, only hits you when you're about to go.

I know this is the opportunity of a lifetime. Hell, I've taken it already... I just wish it were easier. You know, Tim, I hope you'll chance upon this entry, because you'll never believe me when I say I'm not looking forward to leaving. Or that I wish it were easier. To tell the truth, lil' bro, I've
taken the easy way out on many occasions, and it's cost me dearly more often than not. When will you learn to grin and bear it?

Again, I know this sounds hypocritical... But I'm gonna go off anyway, and I swear I'll find a way to make this all count.

Just as the George Benson-inspired title should imply, I'm pretty much sailing through life as it is now. 

No worries whatsoever.

So I guess this is what it feels like to slowly let go of everything. Officially now I have less than a month to go before I leave for the UK, and I feel so much at ease... I think this might be the impetus for me to go wrap up my unfinished business. Or then again, since hindsight's such a bitch, I might not.

Or maybe, I should wait a little longer.

Wait, I think I should just forget about it and move on. I probably just sound stupid for entertaining that thought. After so long, too.

This entry is about

"What if... ?"

I hate that phrase, especially when used in retrospect. From wondering what life as a commissioned officer would be like- no, what it would've felt like to actually have marched in a Passing-Out Parade, or to have completed a 24km route march to begin with, the list goes on.

I guess I'm not really obsessed with these dreams that never became reality, and yes, I do acknowledge the fact that the future is ours to shape, and what has happened has happened, and so on. But it won't stop me from thinking how it could've been me marching on that parade square in SAFTI MI, even commanding a contingent, I dare venture, since in retrospect I would have done my best to come out on top in my hypothetical training stint in OCS. Retrospect's a bitch, no?

When it comes to souring relationships with other people? Retrospect teaches you what you should've done, which in my case was be less of a bitch; have more balls; and be sincere. What retrospect doesn't teach you, is how to salvage the damage done. Yes, learning things by looking back in reflection, not really comprehensive... So what happens now? What next?

I guess there are a few lessons to be gleaned from all this: Seize the opportunity whenever presented, and if you don't, look forward to the next. Never forget to be humble, either way.

If it came down to a point where you had to choose between saving a wounded friend or seeking vengeance, which would you opt for?

I made the mistake of trying to get back at Mel for how she was treating Jeanette, a year back. I should've just focused on being there for Jea. Would've saved me all the grief, but we don't see these things sometimes. I'm paying for that mistake, and I'm glad to have avoided yet another today, by being the shoulder my lady love needs to lay her head on. That, and suggesting she call Bernie, Siti and Zi Jie to talk things out. I pray it goes well... I suppose I should pray for reconciliation on my end as well.

Why is this bugging me so much?